FUTURAMA HYSTERICS
by Intrepidwarriors
Summary: Aliens are trying to enslave the human race...again! This story was written by someone who is a JW. It's a joke. We do have a sense of humour people! :


**FUTUSTERICS!**

Agent Scott of the Department of Homeland Security-America sighed as he dropped his coat and bag back on his desk and picked up the blaring telephone.

"Hello? Is this Homeland Security?" asked a male voice, sounding extremely nervous.

_Please, not another crackpot! _Agent Scott silently begged.

"This is Agent Scott of the Department of Homeland Security. May I ask who is calling?" Agent Scott asked, trying to keep his tone from sounding impatient.

"This is Officer Plonk of the Washington Police. The Chief told me to give you guys a call Sir. We have a situation, well, actually a BIG situation Agent Scott. We need to have your top agent come to Government House Park immediately. The Chief needs expert advice."

Agent Scott let out an exasperated sigh. "Officer Plonk, you do realise that our office hours are from 8.30am to 5.30pm, Monday to Friday...it's already 7.30pm! I'm the only one here. Everyone else went home hours ago. And I can't help you. I'm already in enough trouble as it is with my Mrs! If I'm any later, she's going to skin me and make herself a new hat! Tell your chief, I'll organise to have someone meet her first thing in the morning!"

There was a pause while Officer Plonk had a whispered conversation with someone on his end.

"No can do Sir! She says if there is no one else, then it will have to be you and you need to come right now. The situation is too important to ignore..." Officer Plonk sounded extremely apologetic, and also sympathetic.

_Must be a married man too! _Agent Scott thought as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

"Fine! Tell your chief I'll be there as quickly as I can. I just need to make a few phone calls to my wife and boss to let them know what's going on"

"Sir, the Chief says that to expediate your arrival, she will call your wife personally and explain on your behalf! She says she can understand how your wife would feel and thinks it may take some of the heat off you" Officer Plonk offered kindly. "Oh, and she's buying pizza for everyone who has to work late, so she said she'll save you some!"

Agent Scott brightened at the only good piece of news in what had been a long and horribly busy day.

"Tell your chief that I would be very grateful if she did that for me" Agent Scott said, and hung up the phone.

_Lucky guy, having such an awesome boss. Maybe I should change careers, go work for the police department instead. Much better than working for my jerk boss, how dare he make me work late just so he can go home early to watch the game!_

An evil smile crept over Agent Scott's face and he quickly picked up the phone and started dialling.

"Hello Sir, it's me, Agent Scott. Yes sir, I finished the report...about five minutes ago. Thank you sir, I appreciate the opportunity to assist you further in your career advancement sir...yes sir...I did interrupt you with something very important sir...I understand that the big game is on sir...yes sir, I do realise that my job security is in great peril if this is not the most important call of your life sir...sir...could you listen for just a minute...thank you sir....the police chief called sir, she has a situation that requires your presence urgently...she requested Homeland Security's top agent sir...she insists that only the best would do sir...yes sir...I do believe your reputation as the finest agent in the department's history must have reached her ears sir...so I'll meet you there sir?...great, thank you sir"

Agent Scott put the phone down and grinned. _Take advantage of me will ya?!! If I have to work late, then you can too boss!_

Agent Scott grabbed his coat and bag and headed to the undercover carpark where his modest family car awaited his return. He opened the door and tossed his bag and coat onto the front passenger seat, whistling as he climbed in and put the key in the ignition.

He exited the carpark and headed into the direction of Government House Park.

Agent Scott estimated it would take at least twenty minutes to get to his destination and he was happy to note it only took twenty five minutes in total, a wonder actually, considering that peak hour traffic was only just starting to ease.

A young officer met him as he approached what appeared to be a large police barricade.

"Agent Scott, please come this way. The Chief said to bring you straight through" the blonde officer said, moving part of the barricade so he could get through.

Agent Scott noted from the officer's name badge that he was actually dealing with Officer Plonk, and allowed himself to be ushered past a growing crowd of general public and media personnel.

Officer Plonk led him straight over to a woman who looked to be in her early thirties, but who was clearly in command of the whole situation. Agent Scott watched fascinated as the capable woman instructed several sergeants and lieutenants surrounding her.

"Chief, this is Agent Scott" Officer Plonk said, introducing the two. And having completed that part of his task, the young officer resumed his place monitoring the police barrier.

"Agent Scott, thank you for joining us at such short notice. My name is Chief Superintendant Palmerston. First of all, let me reassure you that I have spoken with your wife and she has promised that she will not turn you into a hat or any other form of clothing while you are assisting me with my enquiries. Second of all, would you prefer pepperoni, meat lovers, vegetarian, super supreme, bbq chicken, classic margherita, hot 'n' spicy, cheese lovers, Italian supreme or hawaiain for dinner?" Palmerston asked, pointing to a trestle table with several pizza boxes on it.

"Uh, meat lovers...and maybe a slice of something else?" Agent Scott said, at a loss for words as to Palmerston's generosity.

"Luey, bring a selection over for Agent Scott as soon as you can find a spare plate" Palmerston said to one of her lieutenants.

She sent the other officers away to carry out her instructions and motioned Agent Scott to follow her.

"Don't worry, Luey will bring your dinner through" she said as she moved further toward the middle of the park.

Agent Scott followed behind her reluctantly, the smell of pizza capturing his attention and teasing his nostrils as he moved away.

He stopped thinking about pizza and anything else when he saw what sat in the middle of the park.

"That....gnuz....gnuh...!" Words, along with his brain, seemed to have temporarily short-circuited as he tried to make sense of what he saw.

"Yes indeed Agent Scott. THAT is a UFO" Palmerston answered for him, as composed as if she had located a missing puppy. "It has been here for the last hour and I have had my people call every department I feel might even remotely know how deal with such a possibility. So far, you are the only person that has not out-rightly laughed in my face, even though most people know I do not possess a sense of humour."

"I didn't exactly get told what was going on!" Agent Scott said, finally able to string a comprehensible sentence together.

"After the third dismissal, I told my people to keep the details secret until we could get someone out here" Palmerston said.

Lieutenant Luey finally arrived with Agent Scott's meal. It appeared he hadn't been able to round up a spare plate because he only had one of the pizza boxes in his hand.

"Thanks" Agent Scott said, as he hungrily took the box and shoved one of the slices into his mouth, the UFO forgotten for the moment.

Palmerston allowed him to finish his first slice before continuing.

"Agent Scott, we have made no attempt to communicate with the UFO inhabitants at this stage, preferring to wait for experts before trying such a thing, but my people are getting tenser as the situation goes on. Could you advise me how to proceed?"

Agent Scott paused mid-shovel and stared blankly at her. After a few seconds, he managed to swallow the entire slice without too much coughing and choking.

"Do? What do you do? I would be calling the President for starters! Then every high-up you can get hold of!" he blurted out.

"I don't exactly carry the President's private line in my blackberry, Agent Scott. Are you able to get in contact with him for us?" Palmerston replied.

"I...might be able to. Look, I called my boss before I left, he should be able to alert the secret service and President if I can convince him this is not a joke...it's not a joke is it?!" he asked suddenly worried he was being punked by hidden cameras.

"I reiterate for your benefit Agent Scott, I am NOT known for possessing a sense of humour. We will wait for the arrival of your employer. If nothing else, it will give you some time to finish your meal. Luey, have one of the boys run over to that all night diner and pick me up a coffee would you please. I have a feeling this could be a long night!" Palmerston said to her offsider.

Agent Scott managed to finish his entire pizza and Palmerston receive a steaming hot cup of coffee before one of the junior officers brought through a squat, balding man dressed in an overcoat. He marched up to Palmerston and shoved a badge in her face.

She might have been more impressed if his coat hadn't fallen open to reveal Mickey Mouse pyjamas and fluffy bunny slippers.

"I am Agent Rupert of Homeland Security. Now what seems to be the situation here?!" he demanded as his beady eyes scanned the situation before him.

"I presume this is your boss?" Palmerston asked Agent Scott under her breath.

"Unfortunately so, ma'am" he replied, distaste leaking through for his superior's arrogant attitude.

"Sir, I am Chief Superintendant Palmerston. May I draw your attention to the unexpected visitors currently residing in front of us" Palmerston said to Agent Rupert, showing skills of diplomacy worthy of a UN Ambassador. She managed to infuse the appearance of just the right amount of subjection, respect and awe toward Agent Rupert, without demeaning her own position in front of her people. She also tactfully refrained from pointing out his lack of taste in masculine sleepwear.

"What visitor? What are you talking about? I tell you now, if you think this is some kind of joke young lady..." he blustered, clearly having trouble seeing what she was pointing at.

"You might want to move him closer, I think he's too short to see past the other officers" Agent Scott whispered to Palmerston.

She nodded and invited Agent Rupert to approach to a more visible position.

"What is that?!" Agent Rupert demanded, squinting up at the large space craft nestled amongst what used to be the children's playground. Parts of the sandbox stuck out from under one corner of the craft, and what looked to be the end of the plastic slide pointed upwards in the air, the fluro-orange colouring making it stand out.

"It's a UFO sir. It has been here for the past hour and I was just informing your Agent Scott that I have been trying to get someone of authority to direct us on proper procedure in such a situation. He believes you can contact the President? Is this correct?" she asked hopefully.

Agent Rupert puffed out his chest and tried to look important. "The President? Why would I bother the President with this young lady?! I am a highly trained officer, I can handle this perfectly well by myself!" he said. "Now, what attempts to contact the aliens have you already tried?"

"None, Sir" she replied.

"None? None whatsoever?! Young Lady, that is just not acceptable! Shame on you for not even trying! What's the police force coming to these days?! No wonder you asked for me to intervene personally!" Agent Rupert said, shaking his head in disappointment.

Palmerston's eyebrow quirked in surprise and she flashed a questioning look at Agent Scott, who merely smiled and tried to look innocent.

"I see..." Palmerston drawled, smiling slightly at Agent Scott to indicate she wasn't angry with his ploy to get his superior out on a Friday evening. "Well sir, if you would issue your first instruction, I will see that my people comply immediately" she added helpfully.

"I don't instruct young lady, I lead by example!" he snorted, and charging past Palmerston, he pushed his way through the inner barricade and headed directly for the front hatch of the spacecraft.

"What's he doing?" Palmerston demanded angrily, motioning her men to stop him.

"I think he's going to say hello" Agent Scott replied, astonished at his boss' bravado, or lack of brainpower. He wasn't sure which it was yet.

Several officers managed to stop Agent Rupert before he got too close to the spacecraft. His exterior padding slowed him down enough that his initial head-start was overcome by the younger officers pursuing him.

They dragged him back kicking and screaming and held him in front of Palmerston.

"Young lady, I demand you have them unhand me this instance!" he spluttered, struggling to free himself, but the two burly officers held him in the air so he couldn't get any leverage.

"Sir, I cannot allow you to jeopardise your life so recklessly!" she replied, clearly starting to feel the strain that Agent Scott had to endure every day of his working life. "I am responsible for every single person in this vicinity, you included."

"This is treason! Let me go right this minute young lady or I'll have your badge for insubordination!" he yelled in growing anger, his face turning bright red.

"Ma'am?" one of the officers asked her, waiting for her next order.

Palmerston looked at Agent Scott, who merely shrugged and indicated it was her call. Sighing, she turned back to the officer.

"Cuff him, and keep him out of sight. I really don't want word getting out that I've taken the Homeland Security chief prisoner!" she said, motioning to one of the enclosed police vans.

The two officers cuffed Agent Rupert and gently put him in the back of the van, ignoring his threats to tell the President on them.

"A little warning would have been nice, Agent Scott" Palmerston said drolly.

"Sorry ma'am, he can be a little irrational, but he never struck me as plain stupid!" Agent Scott replied, still shocked by his boss' behaviour.

"Agent Scott, I can see my career flushing down the toilet very quickly tonight. I still would like to get in touch with someone in the President's inner circle. Can you make that happen?"

"I'll have to talk to my boss, see if I can calm him down and get some info out of him..."

Running footsteps interrupted their conversation as a female officer came to a skidding stop in front of Palmerston.

"Chief...we....have a...problem!" the officer puffed, out of breath.

"What is it Lieutenant Hartley?" Palmerston asked, waiting for Hartley to get enough wind back to explain the problem.

"I don't know how ma'am, but someone infiltrated the rear barrier and has approached the UFO!" Hartley finally managed to blurt out.

"Are you sure of this?" Palmerston asked, sounding more calm that she felt.

"Yes ma'am!" Hartley replied affirmatively.

"Did anyone disobey orders?" Palmerston demanded.

"No ma'am! Everyone in the squad is accounted for. We thought it might be one of the media teams, but they're not carrying any cameras or recording equipment!"

As she was speaking, the front hatch of the spacecraft reared up and out and came crashing down on top of what remained of the see-saw.

A large alien presence filled the hatch entrance and roared in surprisingly perfect English.

"I AM LUR OF THE PLANET OMICRON PERSEI VIII! PITIFUL EARTHLINGS, I DO NOT COME IN PE...."

The alien paused mid-speech and looked back into the spacecraft, clearly distracted by something inside the ship.

'Lur' did not lower his voice but continued to unknowingly boom his half of an inner-ship conversation.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE INTRUDERS AT THE REAR OF THE SHIP?! HOW DID THEY GET PAST THE SHIELDING? THEY SAID THEY'RE DOING WHAT?! A WORLD-WIDE CAMPAIGN? HANG ON, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!"

Lur drew out a device from somewhere on his alien person and pressed a button.

"FLUR! IT'S ME! HOW'S THINGS IN FRANCE? YEAH, YEAH, WE'LL STOP FOR SOUVENIRS FROM CALLISTO ON OUR WAY BACK! WOULDN'T WANT TO UPSET YOUR _GIRLFRIEND_" Lur mocked.

"Where's Callisto?" Palmerston whispered to Hartley, who merely shrugged.

"It's one of Jupiter's moons, the second biggest I believe" Agent Scott supplied helpfully.

Both women looked at him in surprise.

"Agent Scott, I get the feeling you were a bit of a super-geek in high-school" Palmerston said and Hartley smothered a snicker.

"Worse, I'm a Trekkie, so this is right up my alley!" he grinned, clearly enjoying himself now something was happening.

They turned back to the conversation Lur appeared to be having with another alien on the opposite side of the world.

"LISTEN FLUR, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SOME WORLD-WIDE CAMPGAIN LEAFLET DISTRIBUTION THINGY SOME WEIRDLY DRESSED HUMANS ARE DOING? UH HUH...ALREADY?!! WHEN DID THEY....FIVE MINUTES AGO...RIGHT...OK...THANKS...LOOK, HOLD OFF ON THE WORLD DOMINATION PLAN TILL I CAN FIGURE THIS THING OUT!"

Lur put the communicator away and rubbed the centre of his facial cavity.

"Looks like I'm not the only one with a problem on their hands" Palmerston stated, not unsympathetically.

"Should we approach him?" Agent Scott asked, "I mean, since someone's already established contact for us?"

Palmerston looked at him coolly and suddenly grinned. "I'm game if you are!" she replied.

Agent Scott nodded and indicated she should lead the way.

"Luey, keep everyone back. Hartley, call in reinforcements if you have to, but I want those barriers tightened! Nobody is to get past! Well, nobody else that is" she said with a grimace. "Agent Scott, with me if you please!"

Chief Superintendant Palmerston of the Washington Police and Agent Scott of Homeland Security bravely approached the imposing alien and held their hands up to show they harboured no weapons or ill-intentions toward the craft or its occupants.

Lur noticed their approach and was about to speak but he was interrupted again from someone out of their sight.

"HOW MANY OF THEM ARE THERE? SEVEN MILLION!!! FORGET IT! I CAN'T BE BOTHERED EVEN TRYING TO TAKE OVER THIS INSIGNIFICANT PLANET IF I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY. SEVEN MILLION...IT WOULD TAKE FOREVER TO CLEAR THEM OUT. YEAH, YEAH, TELL LINK I SAID TO BRING 'EM THROUGH!"

Lur turned to the two earthlings and glared down at them.

"ARE YOU IN CHARGE?" he demanded.

"I am Chief Superintendant Palmerston of the Washington Police and this is Agent Scott of Homeland Security. We are currently in charge of this situation but if you wish to speak to our leaders, we can assist in arranging this..." Palmerston replied but Lur cut her off with a wave of his large furry hand.

"I DID NOT COME HERE TO TALK EARTHLING! I CAME TO CONQUER!" Lur snapped angrily, waving his arms around and stomping his huge feet in emphasis.

A large hand tapped him on the shoulder and Lur turned around. A smile of relief swept over his face and he grinned in satisfaction.

Turning back to Palmerston and Agent Scott, he reached behind him with both hands and pushed two well-dressed humans in front of him.

"HERE, I BELIEVE THESE BELONG TO YOU!" he snarled and pushed the humans along out of his ship as fast as he could.

The male and female visitors to the spacecraft landed in a heap in front of Palmerston and she quickly helped them up and ordered Agent Scott to get them behind the police barricade immediately.

"GET THIS THING SPACEBOURNE IMMEDIATLEY! AND TELL LARK, THAT NEXT TIME HE MESSES WITH THE DIMENSIONAL SHIFTER, I'LL FEED HIM TO THE MANTIORS OF PLANET OMICRON PERSEI V MYSELF! OR BETTER YET, I'LL SHIP THE ENTIRE LOT OF THOSE SCARY HUMANS OVER TO HIS PLACE!" Lur bellowed, hitting a switch on the interior of the ship and closing the hatch behind him.

Palmerston stumbled back as the strong blast from the ship's engines propelled it upwards. She was almost blown over but was grabbed by someone and led back to the police barrier.

Realising it was Agent Scott, she yelled next to his ear, trying to make herself heard over the whine of the engines. "I thought you were taking the others back!"

"I was...but Luey and your boys saw what was happening and moved in to help so I could come back to get you!" Agent Scott yelled back.

"Who are they?" Palmerston asked once the ship had left and she was able to speak normally. "Who could have been so scary that they managed to drive away an entire fleet of hostile aliens?"

In answer, he handed her a thin leaflet of only a few pages. On the cover was a smiling group of people frolicking with animals and enjoying a picnic.

"What does the future hold for mankind?" Palmerston read on the front page. "Oh, you've got to be kidding!!"

"No ma'am, would you be interested in joining me for a free-home bible study?" Agent Scott asked, before doubling over in laughter.

"JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES! THEY WERE SCARED OFF BY JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!!" Palmerston roared in disbelief and the normally composed police chief joined him in hysterics.

Her people stood around them, grinning at the highly amused duo as they finished off the rest of the pizza.

"What I want to know is how they got past the alien's shielding?" Hartley commented.

All the law-enforcement people tensed at the thought.

"That's a good point ma'am, what if they get into the Pentagon?!" Agent Scott pointed out worriedly.

Palmerston merely smiled. "Relax Agent Scott, even if they did, it's not like they are going to do anything other than drive all the soldiers peacefully crazy!"

"Guess I'd better go talk to the boss, looks like I'll be turning in my resignation after tonight's fiasco" Agent Scott said sadly, grabbing a piece of pizza before he faced the unenviable task.

"Actually sir, Luey already solved that problem. He put the Jehovah's Witnesses in with your boss for safety and after only two minutes, he was begging us to let him out. He's made all sorts of promises, from not firing you, to kissing the chief's feet and recommending promotions for both of you to the President and the Chiefs of Staff!" Hartley said with a wink.

Agent Scott looked at the female lieutenant and grinned with delight.

"Besides Agent Scott, even if you do put in your resignation, it's not like a resourceful man such as yourself doesn't have options. I know I could always use a good man on my team!" Palmerston suggested to him.

"I might just consider your offer, ma'am..." Agent Scott said, grabbing another slice of pizza and chewing happy.

_Indeed, I think I am definitely going to give it some very serious consideration..._

THE END


End file.
